Happy Anniversary, Mom

August 24th is mom’s anniversary.  I used to say that it was the anniversary of her death.  I used to mark the occasion by bringing flowers to the grave.  I always expected it to make me feel better.  But it didn’t really.  I just resulted in dead flowers at the site where her shell of a body is buried.  It usually just left me feeling more alone and empty.

Missing my mom hit an all-time high about 2 years ago when I shattered my ankle.  I had to have it surgically repaired with a metal plate and a total of 10 pins.  I was not able to bear weight on it for two and a half months.    For as long as I can remember I was “The Caretaker” – making sure others’ needs were met.  Suddenly, I  became totally dependent on others.  I could not transfer to or from the wheelchair without help.  I couldn’t bathe myself or wash my hair.  I even needed someone to bring me cups and water so I could brush my teeth.  Not a role I was use to having or that I accepted gracefully.  I was constantly frustrated and developed separation anxiety – sobbing everytime Tom had to leave to go to work and being furious at my mom for not being here to take care of me.  At first I could just use the pain killers to knock myself out thereby avoiding my emotions.  It was when I eliminated the pain killers that I started becoming depressed.

I berated myself for being weak, for wanting my mom, for being stupid enough to walk down a grassy hill in high-heeled sandals (ok, I admit, I deserve to be scolded for that).

After being in this dark and foul mood for 8 weeks, even I got sick of myself.  I was tired of being so unhappy.  One night, after taking 20 minutes to get upstairs to my bedroom by scooting on my bottom, I crawled into bed and cried.  But this time I didn’t just cry.  I prayed too.  I prayed for happiness – more than happiness – for joy.  I wanted to remember what joy felt like.  It had been so long since I felt that tingle in my heart, butterflies in my tummy, glee just for the sake of being alive.  I asked God to help me find joy in my life again.  To no longer live in the darkness I was in, to find light.

I woke the next morning to my phone ringing.  I was still in bed, snuggling tightly with Self Pity, and didn’t feel like talking to anyone, so I ignored the call.  Later that morning, I listened to the voicemail.  My friend Judy had called to invite me to a workshop she was going to attend.  I swear to you that this is the truth – the title of the workshop was Finding the Light in your Life. 

Of course, recognizing this as my prayer being answered, I signed up for the workshop.

My life changed that day.  The workshop was facilitated by Blair Knies.  One of the most radiant souls I have ever met.  I learned more because of that day spent with her and the other amazing people who attended than I could have imagned was possible.  There was one key concept, though, that lead to everything else I have come to learn in these last two years.  The concept is both simple and mind-blowing.

Joy is not “out there” – it is within.

In fact, joy is our pure essence.  It is the Spirit that is our true self.

Blair helped me to find my way back to Me.  I was able to glimpse my Joy that very day.  It took patience, practice and time and now I am fully engaged with and connected to my Joy, my Spirit.  There are still plenty of distractions, and times that I lose my focus – but I have not lost my way to the Light – I can’t because it is always and has always been within me.

One of the issues that was preventing me from fully connecting with my Light, with Joy, was my grief over the loved ones I had lost.  I missed them.  I missed them terribly. 

As continued my focus on finding Joy, I kept coming back to this grief.  After many conversations and much reading and reflecting I finally found the answer.  Just as my Spirit is my true self, so must theres be.  Whenever I tried to connect with them, I usually would focus in on their face.  But that is a part of them that belongs to the physical world.  That is not a part of what they are now.  If our Spirit is our true essence, then that is was remains when we leave the physical world.

I started by remembering each person’s energy – then I focused on that.  It didn’t take long to feel it.  It’s not a matter of if they are around, it is whether we are tuning into them.  I actually feel more connected to Mom, Dad, Jim, Jeff and Mary than I was when we all lived in the physical plane.

So, August 24th is not the anniversary of Mom’s death.  It is the anniversary of her transition.  Of her new life without physical limitations.  The day she left her shell and expanded into her Pure Joy.  And that is why I celebrate.

copyrighted 8/26/09

3 Responses

  1. This makes me feel more connected to my mother, mary some of you might know her. As a child i hope she was very happy and kind i also hope that is were i got it from. I loved her very much as i do now!!! i hope others are as proud of her as i am.
    This blog has made me think of how me and my siblings took care of mom meg and didnt make a big deal out of it when she was hurt, but now patsy my sister and kenneth, my brother, have been having a few temper tantrums, they were pretty scary!!
    megan belle

  2. Beautiful, Meg! Beautiful!

  3. Thank-you, Terri! ❤

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