The Week is Well that Ends Well

I had set a goal to add posts to my blog every other day.  I did not accomplish that goal this week.  Not so much because I didn’t have anything to write about, or anything to say.  More because I had too much to say.  I needed to take time to process some things.  Some of the things I wanted to write about I’m still not even sure if they fall within the purview of this blog.  I’m still sorting out what is the purview of this blog – is it only about my direct experiences in raising my kids, or could it be about anything that has a significant impact on me -which likely at least indirectly infuences my parenting?

I have never been one to compartmentalize my life – family, work, friends are all blended in my world.  I tend to be pretty much an open book – most people who know me know me well because I am very candid about who I am, what I love, what challenges I encounter, what miracles and joys I experience.  I have learned that this makes some people more comfortable around me, and others rather uncomfortable.  I have tried to be less transparent and it feels uncomfortable to me. 

When my brother Jim died, it was my first real experience of losing someone that I loved.  And talk about overlapping life areas – not only are we siblings, but we worked together, nearly all our friends were mutual, and we had shared an apartment for over a year.  He had only moved out 3 months previously when he got married.  He was a very significant part of my life.  My grief permeated every fiber of my being and every aspect of my life.  Even if I had wanted to keep it private I don’t think I could have.  This resulted in me losing serveral friends.  It was too painful for many of my friends to see me so devastated. 

So, where does the responsibility lie in this kind of situation?  Should I be less expressive of my thoughts and feelings and more discretionary in sharing them?  Should my friends be more accepting of my decision to dive into my grief head first and live it fully?

My reaction to Jim’s death was not the last time in my life I would experience this conundrum of choosing to live all of my life fully and openly.  It is a conundrom for me because I also have this unbearable urge to take care of others needs and to make them happy.  Rationally I know this is an impossible endeavor, nonetheless, I still struggle with walking this tightrope.

I can’t say that I have  found the answers or that I have figured this out.  I am, though, slowly learning to live in acceptance.  Acceptance that I choose to fully express my life, my emotions and my insights.  Acceptance that not everyone shares my comfort in this lifestyle.  Acceptance that I cannot please everyone.  Acceptance that it is OK to take care of myself.

Several incidents happened this week, all within a day or so of each other – that brought me back to this long-standing struggle.  It took me all week to get to this place of acceptance and to be OK that it took that long.  I guess it is true that all good things come in due time.

Copyrighted 9/6/09

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